Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hot and Cold Relationships

Dating is rough. There are a million sites and books about what to do, what not to do, where to find love etc etc etc. If you've been in the dating game for a while it can start to look really bleak. Sometimes you start to give up a little, or loosen up your standards and requirements. You start to think that once you meet someone with a "chemical connection" you have to hold on for dear life, because you really don't want to die alone. But the thing is- there are phrases like, "When one door closes another one opens," for a reason. Dating can be confusing as hell. Reading books like, "The Rules," or "He's Just Not that Into You," will only confuse you more- especially if you have guy friends that tell you both those books are full of it. But here's what I've learned about dating the guy that's "Hot and Cold."

The second someone goes from infatuation to hesitating with making plans- those butterflies you felt at the beginning are all of a sudden replaced with tension and then you're on edge and you feel like you can only relax when you're with him- and that's because you never know when that will be. So you panic and cling whenever you do get it, because you're fighting to hold onto the initial bliss you once had.

We women tend to feel the need to start making ourselves available and doing all the work- but that only pushes him away further. NO! STOP IT! Keep your options open ALWAYS. The second you put your life on hold waiting around for one man, you end up giving him all the power. You're basically telling him, "I'm so crazy about you, I'll take whatever I can get." Guess what, that's NOT attractive. The second you start betting in the hot and cold casino is the second you'll start losing.

When you honor your heart, it will compel him to honor you. When you stand up for yourself and don't let bad behavior slide for a second, you're saying, "My life is wonderful, whole and complete with or without you, step up or step off. Join me if you life, but I'm doing amazing things regardless. No time to waste, no games to play." Which one is more attractive? When you stand your ground, they will stop blowing hot and cold and give you the attention you deserve.

Stop over-functioning. Behavioral extremes indicate a power play is being employed. Hot/Cold behavior leads to uncertainty. Uncertainty is a know psychological method to activate pursuit. Uncertainty makes us yearn for stability, it's an automatic human response to chase. When the other pulls away, the other one fights to pull them back. One who initiates is the one who is the most terrified. Real strength is the ability to maintain contact. Prefer honesty over games. Be direct. Authentic communication may reveal the others fears, if not- questioning will be met with resistance. Someone who is capable of honest/consistent behavior will always communicate the underlying issue.

If you feel like a guy is giving mixed signals/stringing you along- talk about it and ask him what his intentions are. Tell him it's confusing you. Find out exactly what's going on. A high value woman won't let a man push her around. A high value woman is not a woman he can take advantage of.

Words are a waste of time and hers and they mean nothing unless a man backs them up with actions.
When a man's actions don't support his words, it's time to call out his bullshit and move on. You need to walk the walk and talk the talk honey. Because you deserve a man who puts you before most other things- no reason to accept anything less. No reason to be with a man who can't pull the trigger. No more one foot in, one foot out crap.

We're in a time of an ever growing epidemic of the passive man- with an underlying fear of coming across as too eager or being rejected. This COULD be the result of the ambiguity. But instead of being presented with a cute date plan or a fun idea for a specific day of the week- women get proposals for non dates and casual hangouts. No, no, no!  Ladies be aware when you're settling for crumbs instead of the entire loaf. Because believe me, someone WILL demand the entire loaf, and you'll be left scratching your head saying, "But I did EVERYTHING for him! I was so sweet and supportive!" You know who gets the loaf? The woman who is offered a non date and replies, "Nope, not interested, try again. You're boring me with these ridiculous offers. If I want to hang out, I'll call my girlfriends. Later." PAY ATTENTION!

Simply ignore texts that present nonchalant plans and proposals of non dates and suggest he come up with an actual date. Make a difference by not participating or enabling this mediocre behavior. Because one good thing is better than a thousand mediocre flings. Hook-ups are low risk, and by keeping things casual the non-relationship guarantees a non breakup. But believe me, it will devastate you as if it was the real thing.

With all the hook-up and dating sites out there, everyone seems to have a lot of options and many fear missing out if they commit to one person. But if you know how the rest of the world is playing the game, stay two steps ahead and be the one that says, "NO DICE!" Gain a real relationship- with true intimacy, and the sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes with it. Todays communication formats don't allow complicated thoughts to present themselves. Properly communicating gets rid of feeling like you don't know where you stand.

Many women get treated like an option instead of a priority- which makes people lonely because they don't let themselves care enough about a person to develop a true connection. I don't do hot and cold, I do consistency. You're either in, or you're out.

When he goes from intense to gradually or very sharply cooled down, here's what's happening:
- He's not as eager to pursue
-You're chasing
-Hearing excuses about being busy
-Used to hear from them all the time- now there's increasing gaps
-Less attentive
-Gets snippy about promises
-They pull away, you stop chasing, they chase, you respond, and they pull away again

You can never trust this person enough to know what to expect from them. The relationship can't progress because they keep undermining it, they're inconsistent- or become consistent at being inconsistent- training you to expect less of them. No point being with someone hot and cold because it's not mutual- it's all on their terms and you never really know where you stand.

Person thrives on control and equates feeling out of control with desire. They value what they don't have, so you're on borrowed time. When you don't give them the time of day, or they don't know if you're interested- that's when they get curious. But future faking will only make you feel insecure. Their being shady as FUCK! Don't think for a second a few other innocent ladies are along for the same ride with the man that you thought was yours alone. They know this pattern will disrupt and confuse you to the point you become desensitized and think you're getting something special, when really you're just another side hoe. Before you know it, he takes a sharp cowardly exit before you can see the emperors new clothes.

The moment that you allow someone to be inconsistent, you are allowing your expectations to be managed down. When a man says you can't expect too much from him, he's making excuses instead of effort and that is not a man, that is what we call a FUCKBOY. You're betting on potential but it's a false economy that will eat your soul. You're trying to mess with supply and demand.

Blowing hot and cold is ambivalent, ambiguous, inconsistent, contradictory, unreliable, unstable, and assclownery. Not one of these things are remotely attractive or exciting- they are "EJECT Button" worthy. They are thoughtless and self involved to think they can do this numerous times with out being noticed. Life is way too short to not follow your heart. When you're wound up in your head and nervous, guilty, upset, or anxious, our entire universe feels heavy and negative. Don't you DARE give up your power like that! You can't let yourself sit in a confusing position any longer.

Tell that Ghostly Coward to stop being iffy. No more back and forth. No more wishy/washy noncommittal man. No more wondering and withholding your love because you're not sure if he's really going to be there for you or not. This man is not making you feel cherished and appreciated, he's being reckless with your heart and your love. You're not going to be your best self for as long as your relationship is unstable and "on and off."

Since you don't know how he's going to show up from day to day- you don't know where you're headed, and you're living on shaky emotional ground- which is taking its toll on you. It's causing you to act in ways that put more distance and you push him away out of fear. When there's no secure foundation for you and your heart, it undermines everything. It throws you completely out of whack on every level- doing things you know aren't productive or helpful. And the worst part is you can't help it because of the way the situation is making you feel. Stop the pattern. His fuckboy ass needs to show up- be a better man.

He'll often pull away right after you finally get truly close and intimate. No reasons, just excuses. Comes back when he feels the emptiness/lonliness when he takes his space. He's avoiding himself and his own feelings and uses you as an emotional crutch. It's called stable footing and it's great for him and fucked for you.

So, put your big girl pants on. Listen to your friends who have been reading through all that bullshit from the beginning and have some self respect. Because if you don't respect yourself, honey- then whoever will??? Call him out. Don't let him bully you. You are not some status quo hoe, you are the real thing and it's time you start acting like it!


3 comments:

  1. Really hit home with a very similar situation. Currently cut contact and I'll read
    This everyday until I don't feel urge to contact him anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Really hit home with a very similar situation. Currently cut contact and I'll read
    This everyday until I don't feel urge to contact him anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

    Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

    Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

    Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

    And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

    Insert subject line here and link it to: Your ex won’t be able to resist?

    Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

    It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

    And even begging to be with you.

    Here’s what I’m talking about:

    Insert subject line here and link it to: Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

    Thanks again.











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    ReplyDelete