Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Hot and Cold Relationships

Dating is rough. There are a million sites and books about what to do, what not to do, where to find love etc etc etc. If you've been in the dating game for a while it can start to look really bleak. Sometimes you start to give up a little, or loosen up your standards and requirements. You start to think that once you meet someone with a "chemical connection" you have to hold on for dear life, because you really don't want to die alone. But the thing is- there are phrases like, "When one door closes another one opens," for a reason. Dating can be confusing as hell. Reading books like, "The Rules," or "He's Just Not that Into You," will only confuse you more- especially if you have guy friends that tell you both those books are full of it. But here's what I've learned about dating the guy that's "Hot and Cold."

The second someone goes from infatuation to hesitating with making plans- those butterflies you felt at the beginning are all of a sudden replaced with tension and then you're on edge and you feel like you can only relax when you're with him- and that's because you never know when that will be. So you panic and cling whenever you do get it, because you're fighting to hold onto the initial bliss you once had.

We women tend to feel the need to start making ourselves available and doing all the work- but that only pushes him away further. NO! STOP IT! Keep your options open ALWAYS. The second you put your life on hold waiting around for one man, you end up giving him all the power. You're basically telling him, "I'm so crazy about you, I'll take whatever I can get." Guess what, that's NOT attractive. The second you start betting in the hot and cold casino is the second you'll start losing.

When you honor your heart, it will compel him to honor you. When you stand up for yourself and don't let bad behavior slide for a second, you're saying, "My life is wonderful, whole and complete with or without you, step up or step off. Join me if you life, but I'm doing amazing things regardless. No time to waste, no games to play." Which one is more attractive? When you stand your ground, they will stop blowing hot and cold and give you the attention you deserve.

Stop over-functioning. Behavioral extremes indicate a power play is being employed. Hot/Cold behavior leads to uncertainty. Uncertainty is a know psychological method to activate pursuit. Uncertainty makes us yearn for stability, it's an automatic human response to chase. When the other pulls away, the other one fights to pull them back. One who initiates is the one who is the most terrified. Real strength is the ability to maintain contact. Prefer honesty over games. Be direct. Authentic communication may reveal the others fears, if not- questioning will be met with resistance. Someone who is capable of honest/consistent behavior will always communicate the underlying issue.

If you feel like a guy is giving mixed signals/stringing you along- talk about it and ask him what his intentions are. Tell him it's confusing you. Find out exactly what's going on. A high value woman won't let a man push her around. A high value woman is not a woman he can take advantage of.

Words are a waste of time and hers and they mean nothing unless a man backs them up with actions.
When a man's actions don't support his words, it's time to call out his bullshit and move on. You need to walk the walk and talk the talk honey. Because you deserve a man who puts you before most other things- no reason to accept anything less. No reason to be with a man who can't pull the trigger. No more one foot in, one foot out crap.

We're in a time of an ever growing epidemic of the passive man- with an underlying fear of coming across as too eager or being rejected. This COULD be the result of the ambiguity. But instead of being presented with a cute date plan or a fun idea for a specific day of the week- women get proposals for non dates and casual hangouts. No, no, no!  Ladies be aware when you're settling for crumbs instead of the entire loaf. Because believe me, someone WILL demand the entire loaf, and you'll be left scratching your head saying, "But I did EVERYTHING for him! I was so sweet and supportive!" You know who gets the loaf? The woman who is offered a non date and replies, "Nope, not interested, try again. You're boring me with these ridiculous offers. If I want to hang out, I'll call my girlfriends. Later." PAY ATTENTION!

Simply ignore texts that present nonchalant plans and proposals of non dates and suggest he come up with an actual date. Make a difference by not participating or enabling this mediocre behavior. Because one good thing is better than a thousand mediocre flings. Hook-ups are low risk, and by keeping things casual the non-relationship guarantees a non breakup. But believe me, it will devastate you as if it was the real thing.

With all the hook-up and dating sites out there, everyone seems to have a lot of options and many fear missing out if they commit to one person. But if you know how the rest of the world is playing the game, stay two steps ahead and be the one that says, "NO DICE!" Gain a real relationship- with true intimacy, and the sense of happiness and fulfillment that comes with it. Todays communication formats don't allow complicated thoughts to present themselves. Properly communicating gets rid of feeling like you don't know where you stand.

Many women get treated like an option instead of a priority- which makes people lonely because they don't let themselves care enough about a person to develop a true connection. I don't do hot and cold, I do consistency. You're either in, or you're out.

When he goes from intense to gradually or very sharply cooled down, here's what's happening:
- He's not as eager to pursue
-You're chasing
-Hearing excuses about being busy
-Used to hear from them all the time- now there's increasing gaps
-Less attentive
-Gets snippy about promises
-They pull away, you stop chasing, they chase, you respond, and they pull away again

You can never trust this person enough to know what to expect from them. The relationship can't progress because they keep undermining it, they're inconsistent- or become consistent at being inconsistent- training you to expect less of them. No point being with someone hot and cold because it's not mutual- it's all on their terms and you never really know where you stand.

Person thrives on control and equates feeling out of control with desire. They value what they don't have, so you're on borrowed time. When you don't give them the time of day, or they don't know if you're interested- that's when they get curious. But future faking will only make you feel insecure. Their being shady as FUCK! Don't think for a second a few other innocent ladies are along for the same ride with the man that you thought was yours alone. They know this pattern will disrupt and confuse you to the point you become desensitized and think you're getting something special, when really you're just another side hoe. Before you know it, he takes a sharp cowardly exit before you can see the emperors new clothes.

The moment that you allow someone to be inconsistent, you are allowing your expectations to be managed down. When a man says you can't expect too much from him, he's making excuses instead of effort and that is not a man, that is what we call a FUCKBOY. You're betting on potential but it's a false economy that will eat your soul. You're trying to mess with supply and demand.

Blowing hot and cold is ambivalent, ambiguous, inconsistent, contradictory, unreliable, unstable, and assclownery. Not one of these things are remotely attractive or exciting- they are "EJECT Button" worthy. They are thoughtless and self involved to think they can do this numerous times with out being noticed. Life is way too short to not follow your heart. When you're wound up in your head and nervous, guilty, upset, or anxious, our entire universe feels heavy and negative. Don't you DARE give up your power like that! You can't let yourself sit in a confusing position any longer.

Tell that Ghostly Coward to stop being iffy. No more back and forth. No more wishy/washy noncommittal man. No more wondering and withholding your love because you're not sure if he's really going to be there for you or not. This man is not making you feel cherished and appreciated, he's being reckless with your heart and your love. You're not going to be your best self for as long as your relationship is unstable and "on and off."

Since you don't know how he's going to show up from day to day- you don't know where you're headed, and you're living on shaky emotional ground- which is taking its toll on you. It's causing you to act in ways that put more distance and you push him away out of fear. When there's no secure foundation for you and your heart, it undermines everything. It throws you completely out of whack on every level- doing things you know aren't productive or helpful. And the worst part is you can't help it because of the way the situation is making you feel. Stop the pattern. His fuckboy ass needs to show up- be a better man.

He'll often pull away right after you finally get truly close and intimate. No reasons, just excuses. Comes back when he feels the emptiness/lonliness when he takes his space. He's avoiding himself and his own feelings and uses you as an emotional crutch. It's called stable footing and it's great for him and fucked for you.

So, put your big girl pants on. Listen to your friends who have been reading through all that bullshit from the beginning and have some self respect. Because if you don't respect yourself, honey- then whoever will??? Call him out. Don't let him bully you. You are not some status quo hoe, you are the real thing and it's time you start acting like it!

Quick Tips for Healthy Relationships

  • You can wait, or you can create- focus on abundance not scarcity. Leaving things to fate leaves us with no sense of agency. Ordinary things done consistently create extraordinary results. We are what we repeatedly do. Confidence trumps compliance every time.

  • He wants the one who already knows she's good enough for him. Have certainty of your self worth. "I am a complete person without you, but I desire to have you be a part of my life because you are worthy of it."

  • A woman with integrity sticks to her principles and doesn't compromise. Never let bad behavior slide. Staying true to values that will establish trust are important. Someone with integrity won't put up with a guy who lacks it. It's not about you, and your power, it's about him and his insecurity. Be a strong character. Be fussy about who you share your time, spirit and energy with.

  • We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.

  • Hope and fear can't occupy the same space at the same time. Invite one to stay.

  • How many traits that you are looking for, do you embody yourself?

  • Recognize when something isn't working for you and recognize what it is. Stop losing yourself in your relationship by giving things up that you love and like to spend more time on him. Be ready for when love finds you by loving yourself fully and unconditionally first.

  • Communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness.

  • Accept and allow for each others real feelings- regardless of whether they happen to please the other or not. Real and authentic honesty is the first step and only path to a real, secure and lasting relationship where both partners know their feelings are heard and respected.

  • Standing your ground is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Don't let them play on emotions to get what they want. You are valuable, not desperate. If he disappears for days, wells and when he wants you BAM- you're there, that screams needy and desperate and are a direct way to relationship doom.

  • Make choices based on actions not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. Don't be afraid to walk away. Bad behavior doesn't earn your attention-it earns consequences. Make him be accountable for his actions.

  • Don't let him push your buttons. Push his and throw him through a loop. It's okay to tell a man his behavior doesn't match up with what you want. Tell him he better have his act together or you're out.

  • People place higher value on something they have to work for. Men have to feel like you're choosy not needy. Say no, turn down mediocre offers. Accepting a situation that is anything other than what you want will make you unhappy.

  • When he stops making plans, texting, calling etc. Know that space to recover is healthy for men. What he's doing with his life and his purpose will impact the relationship. If he isn't clear on his purpose, he can become withdrawn, restless, irritated and unengaged. They'll shut the world out and become emotionally distant and withdrawn. Encourage him to take space and let him know you're here when he's ready.

  • You need someone who is truly committed to being with you on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level- not someone who is coerced, forced or convinced. A man needs to have his own reasons for committing.

  • Women create all these expectations about what the relationship is supposed to look like and when things fall short, she becomes disappointed and unfulfilled. Be clear at the beginning about what it is you are looking for to avoid unnecessary confusion and misunderstanding. Let go of the need to control what happens next and give him the chance to make plans with you or initiate affection.

Intuition Vs Fear

I love the idea of Intuition. In fact, if you think about it, before the written word, chances are- we probably communicated on a much different level. I like to believe that level of communication was actually a higher level than we use now- telepathy, intuition, psychically, energetically etc. There have been numerous studies done about whether it's real or not- but let me tell you something interesting- the government believed it was real enough during the Golf War, that they actually had people with ESP try to locate enemies etc. The study was remarkably successful, but because scientific evidence was lacking, it was shut down.
Human beings are remarkable. Our brains are so powerful that so much of what we experience and do on a large part it seemingly out of our control. We react before we even realize we are reacting. Our bodies tend to sense things before our brains do and yet- so many of us are in the dark about how to recognize these fantastic abilities that each one of us has. The problem lies in the fact that because we are such intelligent creatures, it's hard for us to take random flashes of images and acknowledge them as important or shrug them off as imagination, or worse obsess on them because we don't know if they are real or not. 

Intuition is really about noticing thoughts or images that pop into your mind, and noticing how your body reacts to those images simultaneously. If you can notice your immediate feelings about something, if it's wrong, you'll notice intense emotions and a tightening in your stomach aka your "gut." When things feel wrong, even before you notice on an intellectual level- it's important to trust those instincts.
Test what happens. If something is bothering you, test your body and your mind by asking questions. If you're worried about a change in career- say something like, "Should I quit my job." Focus on that statement for about 10 minutes and see how your body reacts. If your shoulders tighten, you notice a lump in your throat, you feel your stomach tying in knots, and in general start to feel heavy- then you know that isn't what you really want or should be doing. Start to notice what happens when you feel conflicted about something, see what happens when you listen to your intuition and what happens when you don't.  Try it for yourself, risk speaking up to someone about what you feel you know and see what happens. Risk being wrong if only for the sake of of stating your truth. Be okay with asking questions.

Sometimes it's really hard for us to decide whether to follow our head or our heart. Actions, behaviors, perceptions that are ruled by the word "should" tend to be more from our heads. When "Should" rules over our lives, we end up feeling a lot of guilt. We feel guilt because we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations that are impossible to live up to. We are much more powerful when we surrender and accept ourselves in the present moment and trust our own natural rhythms.

Getting in touch with your heart means you need to STOP. You need to take time out for stillness. Business is a form of denial. When we fixate on our day to day mundane we aren't listening. In order to get in touch with your heart you need to get out of your head and into your body. Yoga, Meditation, or even just taking a quiet bath, walking outside for a few minutes- anything to turn your mind off and focus on your body. Once you listen to your body and start giving yourself permission to follow your own rhythm, we are much happier and healthier. "When we follow our whims, we're guided by wind."

Fear Vs. Intuition.

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat. The more intimate you become with how fear in the mind looks and sounds, the more empowered you'll be. Fear feels like you're shrinking, you're operating at a lower vibration, you feel bad, tight, constrictive. Fear is harsh and judgmental with lists of horrible things that will happen.

Intuition is a knowing. It is beyond a feeling. It's a guided wisdom from within. Intuition is emotionally neutral and simple. Intuition feels like it's expansive, like it's rooted in the underlying feeling of your higher self. It's peaceful/uplifting/good.

It's important to ask if your higher self would be proud of you taking this action or not. True knowing is always available if you can help yourself pay attention and listen and allow yourself to follow what will ultimately make you happy.

We are in this era of instant gratification and it's difficult for us to trust the process and flow of things- because the process takes time. But there is a time for sewing and a time for reaping. Being OK with not knowing how things will turn out will leave space for spontaneity and flexibility. If we can relax into flow and enjoy the process more and be present, we are giving ourselves access to what our heart wants and less of what the mind thinks we SHOULD be wanting/doing.

Don't confuse intuition with a story that you are trying to convince yourself is true. All fear, anxiety, guilt is brought on by feelings of being too much in the past, too much in the future and too much in your head and ego and not enough in the present and in your heart. Situations are always neutral, it's ultimately in our control whether we make them have a positive or negative connotation.

So if something is bothering you, stop and listen, ask questions and focus on your bodies reaction. Don't follow the nagging "Should's" but follow the sweet and gentle inner you that is smiling and winking, that you already know the answer. Just like in the Wizard of Oz, "You always had the power my dear, you just had to believe in yourself first."

Quantum Physics and Death

Many of us fear death. We believe in death because we have been told we will die. We associate ourselves with our body, and we know that bodies die. But a new scientific study suggests that death is not the terminal event we think. 

One aspect of quantum physics is that certain observations cannot be predicted absolutely. A new theory called Biocentrism- refines these ideas. There are an infinite number of universes, and everything that could possibly happen, occurs in some universe. Death does not exist in any real sense in these scenarios. All possible universes exist simultaneously, regardless of what happens in any of them. Although individual bodies are destined to self destruct, the alive feeling- the "Who am I?"- is just a 20-watt fountain of energy operating in the brain. But this energy doesn't go away at death. One of the surest axioms of science is that energy never dies, it can neither be created nor destroyed. But does this energy transcend from one world to another?

According to Biocentrism, space and time are not the hard objects we think. Wave your hand through the air- if you take everything away, what's left? Nothing. The same thing applies for time. You can't see anything through the bone that surrounds the brain. Everything you see and experience right now is a whirl of information occurring in your mind. Space and time are simply tools for putting everything together.

Death does not exist in a timeless, spaceless world. In the end, even Einstein admitted, "Now Besso has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us…. know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." Immortality doesn't mean a perpetual existence in time without end, but rather resides outside of time altogether.

If the particles that we're made of can be in instantaneous communication with one another, be in two places at once, and even change the past through choices made in the present, then we can as well. 

Our beliefs have the power to change the flow of events in the universe- literally to inter ups and redirect time, matter, and space, and the events that occur with in them. 

Why Twin Flames Run

There is a runner dynamic in twin flame relationships. Those who have experienced a twin flame relationship- know this dynamic well. There is a constant push and pull and it can feel like every time you take a step forward, you're pushed two steps back. It can feel very intense and painful when you aren't the runner. Here's what I have found that has helped me handle the runner dynamic.

Fear of Rejection:

He may run because he doesn't feel worthy of the connection and fears that once they let you in fully, you'll leave and they'll be rejected by you. He's really running from himself. They are insecure you will reject parts of him he hates about himself. They are petrified of you rejecting him because he will take that as confirmation/proof of his own belief that he is not good enough. He knows the connection is deep. Connection is a gift. They run because they believe ultimately the love will be taken away. Lack of self esteem and self love, and a fear of not belonging is strong in this dynamic. They fear not being accepted and so they run away from judgement and being judged as unworthy.

Fear of Losing:

They are afraid they won't be able to keep you. So it's easier to push you away by being cold and distant. Because then, when they lose you- it won't be because of them, but because of their actions. They want to make it so they can't lose what they don't have. If you never wanted it to begin with, then you won't be mad or sad when it's gone. If he runs you won't truly know him and his flaws. He never lets you get close enough to judge who he is. You'll walk away because of how he behaved and not who he is as a person.

Fear it's a Trick:

He thinks he's unworthy of love and should therefor be punished. He fears and suspects connection is a trick that is tempting him and testing him. He feels he is unworthy of bliss and happiness. He feels the connection is a test to see if he is selfish or naive enough to reach for the twin flame love. He is scared of reaching for it and then it being taken away. He fears he is being delusional and that the connection is too good to be true. He is afraid of believing in something that could be an illusion. He doesn't want to depend on love if it's going to be taken away or if it's just a fantasy.

Fear of Being Consumed:

He fears being consumed by you and the emotions. He has been obsessing just as much as you have. There is an intense longing. These emotions are overwhelming for him. He feels and amazing and at the same time feels the connection is painful. Parts he needs to heal are surfacing alongside of the love connection. He feels consumed by your love and your soul. He hasn't been taught how to process and handle these emotions and they are exhausting for him. He shuts them off and shuts you off too. He can't concentrate on life at all. But when he wants to feel the intensity of the connection again he comes back around.
Ultimately the runners are scared that if it doesn't work they are left with nothing. He wants to go back to normal so when/if you are taken away- he still has something left and can pretend it was nothing extraordinary anyway. He won't let himself taste a life with you. It is imbalanced and not fair, but they are being cruel to be kind. They see weakness in the connection. The Connection makes them feel out of control which makes them feel they need to be strong and cut it off.

When You're Ignored

I hate being ignored. Being ignored triggers early childhood memories of constantly being alone and being ignored long enough that I was able to put myself or others in dangerous situations.
How I coped with being ignored was running away, rebelling and putting myself in harms way- in order to "teach a lesson." When that didn't work, I would retreat silently within myself and bottle up my emotions instead. These reactions kept the cycle going.
When I wasn't alone or being ignored, I was in trouble. I didn't receive the affection, nurturing and caring I desperately needed and instead- was expected to be independent and in control.
What I really needed was someone to see the whole picture, tell me it wasn't my fault, and see that I deserved so much more. I wanted someone to see my pain and lift the burden and take care of me. I wanted someone to help me grow instead of expecting me to go from seed to flower overnight.
Being ignored has almost cost me my life on more than one occasion. But that was then. This was in the first 7 years of my life. Let's talk about now.
When did I decide that I wasn't worthy of attention? More importantly, when did I decide that I wasn't worthy of affection? When did I decide I didn't deserve help? When did I decide that I didn't deserve protection? When did I decide that I didn't deserve stability? When the ones who were supposed to be there weren't, I realized words were empty promises and that everyone would abandon me eventually.
But have these negative beliefs been serving me? No. I want to let them go. So then, I have to ask myself. What am I ignoring in MY life?
I ignore my financial responsibilities. I ignore my car that needs maintenance. I ignore my family. I ignore my job. I ignore my health. I ignore my emotions. I ignore my dreams and desires. I ignore my responsibilities.
Did I decide that when I'm ignored, I get to ignore in retaliation? Most likely. When something comes up in our early childhood, we find ways to deal with it. Usually these aren't healthy ways of dealing, because we aren't yet capable of making adult/rational choices and decisions. But once you recognize the root of these negative beliefs, you can turn it around. You can replace those negative beliefs with a positive one.
How about this instead?
I honor my life. I honor my financial responsibilities. I honor my vehicle. I honor my family. I honor my dreams and desires. I honor my responsibilities. I honor, therefor I am honored. So within, so without. I acknowledge and appreciate these mirrors as they surface. They lead me down a path to healing, health and happiness. I ask, and receive. I do not push away and I am not pushed away. I give affection and receive affection. I am compassionate and receive compassion. I protect therefor I am safe and protected. I nurture, therefor I am nurtured. I plant seeds, therefor I grow. The seeds I plant are nurtured. My negative beliefs are replaced with light and love and positivity. I only allow light and love into my life. I choose happiness. Even in the darkness there is opportunity for light. I love and honor myself and my life, therefor life loves and honors me.
So when you're being ignored, take a look at what you could be giving more attention to, and think to yourself- I don't like this, this bothers me- I am going to honor and be honored instead.


I love you.
I love you and that terrifies me.
I've been broken so many times and my pieces can't take another coat of super glue.
I love you.
I'm fragile.
You toss me around and place me carelessly on the edge- as if I won't shatter if I fall.
It's hot and I feel like the glue is melting.
I love you.
I'm on my side, rolling and wondering, "Where is my shroud of bubble wrap?"
That's when it happened.
I shattered.
There are pieces everywhere and a few too broken to piece together.
I thought you knew I was breakable, I was already broken.
Now I'm waiting.
Waiting to be swept up and tossed.
Waiting to be glued back together.
Waiting to be melted down and reformed into something new.
Something unbreakable.
I'm waiting.
Broken and shattered. I'm waiting.
I love you.
I love you.
Grab a broom.
Put me at the top of your "to-do" list.
Something is better than nothing.
This nothing is allowing me to disintegrate.
This nothing is dragging me, broken and shattered.
This nothing is killing me.
I love you.
Help me or throw me away.
Please don't leave me here.
Fragile and broken.
Thought you knew that when you brought me home.